


More Earnest Than Truth

by feust



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: Dragon Age Rare Pair Exchange, F/M, Fanart, First Kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-21
Updated: 2013-12-21
Packaged: 2018-01-05 08:37:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1091849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feust/pseuds/feust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Velanna has one more conversation with the undecipherable Nathaniel before leaving for Amaranthine to defend the city from the darkspawn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	More Earnest Than Truth

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Selkit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selkit/gifts).



This was ridiculous. She had never worn something so stiff and restraining. Fierce curses spilled from her mouth as Velanna struggled to strap the leather gloves on. Gloves! Only _shemlen_ could come up with such a frivolous idea for a mage's attire. With any luck, the first time she would cast a fireball with these on would end up with their catching on fire. And what were those sparkling shoulder pads but an odd blue target for all to aim at?

Another irritated sigh, and the elven mage further repressed her thoughts into a churning coil of anger. _Now_ was rather unnerving, and it was not about to get any better. So many things had changed, so much was out of reach, and she had lost touch with so many. Thoughts of Seranni got drowned into the mixture of frustrations, and bubbles of guilt resurfaced once more, gnawing at her.

It could... Would get worse. There was this clenching in her guts, and no amount of willpower or self-reasoning would calm her. What she needed to vent was physical. Vigil's Keep was most likely about to get hit by the darkspawn, but that was not soon enough. Some of those Wardens may have been decent fighters, though none would pick a friendly fight with her, not in this dire moment. The only thing she could do was pace, and so she did, which made the job of dressing up like a Grey Warden an impossible one.

Vellana's steps ended rather abruptly at the door of her room. She absentmindedly kicked the obstacle open, and continued her angry traipsing down the corridor. Her course ended outside on the catwalk where archers would stand their ground to defend a fortress that had already seen too many battles in its lifetime.

The mage did not expect anyone to be up here, as all Wardens were gathering in the courtyard to see their Commander off to Amaranthine. So it was rather infuriating that _he_ , of their whole sad lot, would be here. He was the last one she wanted to see, or even be reminded of. She had no patience for his puns and his undecipherable demeanour, and she wanted some time alone before leaving. What a silly decision to have come out her room like this without a second thought.

What made Velanna even more incensed was that her feet decided to keep going forward of their own volition. She tried to be quiet, to keep her face still despite her fluster, but he halfway turned around, the faint crease of his nose as he took her new appearance in enough to destroy any sense of composure she could have mustered.

“What?!” she barked, the bluntness of her own voice surprising even her.

It took almost two heartbeats for Nathaniel Howe to slowly look down, and she saw, rather than heard, a _my lady_ uttered so low she would have missed it if she had not been glaring so intently at the rogue.

“Why, I must look terrible for you to look away so quickly!” Velanna felt herself blushing, and the awkwardness of wearing the Grey Warden's armour was suddenly too much to bear.

Nathaniel remained quiet, ignored her comment even. Hi eyes went back to the horizon, where the sun had barely started to colour the skies in light, orange hues. Promise of fires to come, ones that would burn even more intensely than the flames itching at her fingertips. One spell could so easily end all of this uncouthness right now.

“Now that I finally don this ridiculous attire, you're too good to talk to me? You _shemlen_ are all the same! There's no--”

“NOT—Not now.” Nathaniel cut Velanna short, his bare hand slicing the thick air between them. He still avoided her gaze, and his shoulders seemed to ever so slightly roll in, as if he were expecting a blow. “Please.”

The way is voice went down, turned back to a whisper hiding within a breath. Velanna bit her lower lip, noting the gesture effectively did what it was meant to do. She stepped back in silence, unsure of what was going on. She never knew with Nathaniel. It was why there was always this bitter taste at the tip of her tongue, the constant urge to spit venom at all these things and people that made themselves incomprehensible to her.

Eyes now thin slits gushing with judgement, she noticed his fingers too, their tips white from the pressure around his bow as if they meant to break it in two, holding on to something that was not quite good enough to keep him straight up. He too had not put his gloves on.

Velanna meant to turn her back to Nathaniel, really. She would leave him alone and return to this outlandish farce about dressing up as a Grey Warden, but something stronger made her stay out there. Though she made one more step back, she kept her eyes on the rogue, on his almost tangible struggle, as if looking at his agitation could somehow alleviate hers.

“You're right, we... s _hemlen_ all the same,” Nathaniel said, his pronunciation not quite right, but the poison in the word almost discernible, stronger than any she could concoct. “When facing adversity, when facing our own death, we look back and wonder. Was this enough? Is this it? Is this what my life was meant to be?”

“I—”

“Was there enough time to repair all the mistakes we've made, to right all the wrongs?”

“Creators, why are you thinking these things?! It makes no sense, you haven't done any mistakes and you're not dying!”

Nathaniel chuckled at her anger. The contradicting behaviour, a complete opposite of what he was barely a moment ago, seemed to give a new look to his features, a sudden flicker in his pupils that made Velanna fret in self-consciousness. On her guard now, the mage almost growled when the conversation did not go further.

“You look beautiful. Elegant,” he added after a long pause. “This armour suits you very well.”

“You mean I look silly!” Velanna snapped. Why was her face feeling so hot right now? Why was Nathaniel trying to embarrass her? Was it his way to deviate the conversation from what was really troubling him?

“Silly. Perhaps we all do. For the first time I feel like I belong, that I have a home, and... I'm afraid. Afraid it's about to be taken away from me. Maybe that's what is so silly.” The tall man cleared his throat and shifted his weight, dismissing the heaviness of his burden with another, weaker smile. “But we have tasks at hand. I have to see the Commander and you off.”

Again, such an abrupt change in tone. Nathaniel grabbed his gear and walked right past her, but Velanna would not dismiss this half-baked confession so easily. She had to leave soon, the Commander was most likely impatiently waiting for his party in the Vigil's courtyard, but despite the urgency, despite Nathaniel's unwillingness to speak any further, an impulse made Velanna grab the rogue's wrist. She almost shot him with a spark in doing so.

“I wish you the best of luck in Amaranthine,” he said, not even looking at her. “You're in good hands with the Commander. I'm certain you will easily defeat the darkspawn.”

The man pulled out of Velanna's grip. Her heart was pounding. There was something missing in his dry statement, a void she felt the need to fill. The name escaped her lips against her will.

“Nathaniel!”

The rogue stopped to face her once again. “This is the first time you say my name. It never is too late, isn't it? To say...”

“What do you mean,” Velanna cut in, lips trembling, afraid to hear whatever Nathaniel would have said next before trailing off. Always shifting from one topic to the other, and she always ended up caught in these man-made landslides.

“I'm sorry if my attitude was ever unbecoming towards you,” he uttered as if he had heard her silent request. “I never meant to—”

“Snap out of your gloomy mood!” It was the mage's turn to slice the air with her hand, but this one landed with a slap on his cheek. Nathaniel did not even flinch or step back, and instead seemed to relax just like he would before a fight. Velanna should have noticed. Lately she had observed every single motion he could make when they had be teamed together. “We're going to—”

“ _We_ ?” Nathaniel's features darkened, and he recoiled from an invisible blow. His lips curled down and his grip tightened once more on his bow. The one that was his family's, Velanna recalled suddenly. “I never got a sense that you cared about the Grey Wardens! Or, for that matter, any of _us_ repulsive hum--”

“I don't! All I want is to find my—my...” Velanna swallowed when the meaning of the word hit her, its echo a vile tune ringing in her ears and more effective than any slap in the world. The guilt sunk in rapidly, twisting her stomach, the acrid taste of bitterness making her chew the inside of her cheek.

Nathaniel pulled up his hood like a shield, and formally bowed to her to take his leave.

“We're done here, I believe. Be safe, my lady.”

Creators, Velanna hated those two words, said so bluntly they created a precipice between the two of them.

“Wait! You don't understand. I didn't mean it that way.” She ran to Nathaniel and grabbed his shoulder this time, wanting him to face her again, wanting to force every single secret out of him.

“An odd statement to hear from you, considering you always so very eloquently _mean_ what you say.”

“And you _never_ seem to mean what you say!” she burst out, almost screaming. “It's always as if you have secrets or you're thinking the exact opposite of what you're saying, and I don't understand you! You're setting traps for me to fall into, just like you did now! Even when nothing you say is wrong, it just sounds wrong to my ears! You mock me! And don't make any comment about my ears because I'm not sure I can take it right now!”

Velanna felt the tears of frustration welling up, and she felt dismayed at her sudden weakness. She had said too much already.

“I'm out of here. Farewell,” she managed to say before literally running off, shoving aside the man that caused her such distress and probed into her wounds so easily. This was not the morning she had pictured, leaving with the Commander on a reckless mission to help other _humans_. She did not like them and she did not want to have anything to do with them. All she wanted was to be back home with her sister in the woods, and their clan would surely accept them back in time.

She was supposed to be a leader, the one others would follow. Now it was so lonely. She was praying the elders no one would see her like this ever again, grabbing her own arms and shivering as she willed everything down into her stomach while straightening her shoulders and pulling her chin up. She would follow the Grey Warden Commander, it was her best chance to find back her sister no matter what. Defending humans and fighting to protect a city she could not care less about were just part of this difficult journey the Creators had mysteriously set in front of her.

When Velanna got to the courtyard after quickly picking up her personal effects, the Commander and most of the Wardens were already gathered there. She had no clue how he beat her to it, but Nathaniel was there too, speaking with their leader in hushed tones. She walked passed a few men unnoticed, now that she blended in with the uniforms. Unnoticed that is, until she positioned herself in silence behind their leader, proudly staring at the open gates and defying all the odds in the world with her attitude.

“Oh, Velanna, good morning” the Commander greeted her, showing no surprise at her new attire, his eyes not even stopping on the unattached leather straps dangling from her forearms.

“You ready to eat some more darkspawn?” Oghren cackled, every piece of metal and leather creaking from the expectation of a fight. Velanna would never admit it, but she felt a kinship with his spirits, clenching her fists to keep the intensity inside, until the time would be right to unleash it.

“Why would I show up here if I were not ready?” she growled back at him, which prompted a loud snicker from both him and Sigrun.

The Commander nodded at his companions. “Right. Needless to say, time is of the essence.” He raised his hand to all Wardens standing in the courtyard, raising his voice to be heard above the strong winds, carrier of an ominous . “It's an honour serving with you. With all of you. Maker bless us, and may we win once more against these fiends. In war, victory!”

The Wardens cheered back as the small group walked out of Vigil's Keep, the large wooden doors creaking from being closed back to protect the ones that stayed behind. Velanna could not help but look back at them all, just to see if Nathaniel would be shouting too. She was feeling it a little as well, in this moment, that sense of belonging to something greater than her. This was dangerous and elating all at once, to know this feeling again. It meant that she, too, had something to lose if they did not defeat the darkspawn. If these beasts attacked this place.

This could very well be the last time. Every fight could be the last with these tainted, mismatched soldiers. And _farewell_ was definitely not the last word she would have with them before any of these fights, because it meant part of her would have given up.

Just like on the catwalk, her feet decided to act on their own, running back towards the crowd and one particular individual with whom she had the habit of having strange, unfinished conversations.

The elven trinket the Commander had given her in the Wending Woods was in her hand, and she hastily shoved it into Nathaniel's, making his fingers curl around it before she could change her mind.

“Swear to me you will not make me pick this up from your dead body if the darkspawn attack this place while we're gone.”

The rogue's face broke ever so slightly from his usual calm, his frown clearly showing disapproval. “I'm afraid I can't promise this.” As he pushed the offer back at Velanna, all the doubt shone bright at the bottom of his eyes. She refused to let that come out in the open.

“Afraid?! Again this fear? Then swear to me—swear to me you're going to do your best to whatever it is you're thinking of doing by staying here! Restoring your family's honour or some ridiculous human nobility heroics. Because right now I don't feel it. I don't feel your confidence. You're not supposed to be like this. It's not how we met.”

He was looking even lonelier than her in this moment, avoiding her eyes. She reached out to his cheek. “I'm trusting you with something I hold dear. Show me that you care, that you want this.”

The rogue touched the side of her arm and gently pushed it aside. “Defend the city, Velanna. Even if it's full of people you dislike, there's my sister there, my family. Darkspawn may not attack the Keep, but if they do, I can't afford to worry about—”

“Hey, are you two lovebirds done over there? The darkspawn are not known to wait, and me neither!” Oghren yelled at them. Nathaniel stepped back, acknowledging him and his leader with a nod.

“They're—”

“Obviously. Yet you're going to leave this conversation unfinished still? I'm not going until you're righting your wrong or whatever it is you feel you've got to do today. I'm even going to right it for you, incapable as you are!”

Ears burning red, Velanna reached out before thinking twice about it, and kissed Nathaniel in a rush. She felt the gasp, a chill maybe, it was difficult to tell with this heat coming up her neck. The gaze of the Grey Wardens was a noise in the distance as the reality of what she was doing crept into her full consciousness and taunted her. And then, the heat rapidly transformed into shame when Nathaniel's slack jaw was all the response she felt.

_No._

The itch on her cheeks, the curl in her eyebrows, it was impossible to keep her emotions in. Velanna abruptly stepped back from the abyss, ready to run towards the trees and be gone from this foul place forever. No First would have been so foolish to hope for something like... Like what? She had been ridiculous and she was getting what she deserved, the self-disgust the strongest of all punishments the elders could have come up with.

She had one knee down, ready to call upon the roots in the ground to snatch her away, the innate instinct to avoid human eyes spooling mana at her fingertips before her conscience could even will it. Something stronger broke the spell though, a hand circling her right wrist tightly, pulling her up in one swift move until she landed in Nathaniel's embrace. His warm breath was so close to her ear she was not sure if he was whispering, or if she was hearing his thoughts.

_You caught me by surprise I ... too slow to... I didn't think you'd... This is definitely not how a lady must be kissed. Let me..._

One hand reached for her cheek and lifted her gaze up to his, incinerating all the thorns that she had kept around to protect herself. It was still hard to believe, but if Velanna closed her eyes and forgot to think for a moment, shedding her thoughts about humans to simply feel Nathaniel...

_Is it...?_

Had she been so brash he was still afraid of her, even after this bold move? He wanted this, right? He was even asking if it was all right instead of taking his rightful due like all humans—

She was kissing him again and this time she felt victorious because there was surprise, a faint shudder when her left hand landed on his neck. For once she had given him a taste of his own medicine at this game he had been playing with her. Though all thoughts of playfulness disappeared when his hand reached for her lower back to squeeze her closer, the other sliding on the back of her head to carefully hold it like the most fragile thing in the world.

“Why did you wait so long?” she whispered, almost out of breath. Reality kicked in faster than it had left, the cheers and chuckles of the Wardens making Velanna feel small and vulnerable.

“I felt acting in earnest... Would be a mistake.”

“Like killing humans whom I thought kidnapped my sister, you mean.”

“I did not—”

“Look, I _may_ have said and done things. In earnest. Too. Stupid things. But I'm not stupid.”

“Never said you were, my lady.”

“Don't start—”

A finger landed on her lips, its light touch silencing her. “Let us keep this moment as it is. No more words.”

Velanna opened her mouth to reply something but Nathaniel's serene expression was enough to silence her. It was odd to feel this statement so strongly, that warm whisper from a moment ago lingering about. The trinket still in her hand, the mage ran back to the Commander, not looking back. Not looking forward either. Staying in the present, feeling the red shimmer on her chin left by the patch of hair Nathaniel grew on his own.

The Commander was polite enough to remain silent, instead waiting for a sign that she was ready.

“Does this mean you get to be nicer from now on?” Oghren laughed in satisfaction, ogling her up and down. Sigrun had this creepy smile on her face too, almost giggling, but she knew better than to say something.

“Only if you ever take a bath, you foul dwarf!”

They had darkspawn to fight and nothing was won yet.

Velanna had to find her sister too, and had no clue where she could be.

She had opened her heart and bled a little, and it could happen again. She did not know how to prevent it.

She had Nathaniel's attention now and nothing felt more certain and immutable than that. It was a nice feeling, one that she did not realize made the corner of her mouth go up as her fingers touched her lips from the memory.

No really, only Oghren's bad smell was more certain than anything else in Thedas.

 


End file.
